we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Just invented taco cereal.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
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