Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
