Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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