So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Randomize
