Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Randomize
