new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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