I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
My ass is underappreciated
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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