I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
