He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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