Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Please don't give away my fajitas
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
