I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
