she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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