I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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