Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
i think i just naturally attract stoners
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