dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I looked at my own cervix.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
