Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
