i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Randomize
