hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
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