It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Randomize
