the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
