Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Randomize
