P.S. I can't hear my feet
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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