if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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