So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
