new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
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