Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Randomize
