omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I'm both gender and math confused
I DEMAND FORESKIN
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
