he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
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