I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
