Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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