I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
