Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
You've changed since you got that strap on
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
