there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
You've changed since you got that strap on
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Randomize
