i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
