i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
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