It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Randomize
