why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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