Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
