The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
