He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
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