dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Randomize
