okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
