Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
we're so committed to being not committed
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
