I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
