Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
