nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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