the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
