I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
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