I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
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