ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
These 21 Drunks Said The Darndest Things
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
These 25 Irresponsible People Blew All Their Cash On Drugs, Booze, & Sex
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth