My Higher Power is John Stamos
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
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