and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
