Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
