so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
