i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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