Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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