if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize
