He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
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